Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes

A doctor is a man who puts band-aids on the wrong places.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.

When I was a kid, I spoke like a kid, I thought like a kid, I reasoned like a kid. Now that I’m older, I’ve put away childish things—except for a few.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They had no holidays.

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, too.

I’ve got a wonderful insurance policy. I never have to pay a penny.

The secret of a good marriage remains a secret.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I asked the waiter for a decaffeinated coffee, and he said, ‘How about this?’

I finally got my dream job. I get to sit around and do nothing all day.

I have a friend who’s a banker—he’s my best buddy, but I don’t trust him.

I told my kids I could give them the best advice in the world—don’t take advice from me.

I’m on the patch now, it’s a thing that helps quit smoking; I’m using it for my gags instead.

To be happy, you must be willing to be a little bit crazy.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The best part about being a comedian? You don’t have to polish your shoes.

I got a job in a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Why do people say ‘the sky’s the limit’? There are footprints on the moon!

You can’t be late if you never show up.

I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when rainbows were black and white.

The only place I can see clearly is my glass of wine.

Age is just a number, but in my case, it’s unlisted.

I can’t do my math homework tonight—my calculator is sick.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patience.

If you think nobody cares, just try missing a couple of payments.

You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t know how to act my age; I’ve never been this age before.

If you think about it, we’re all just biological machines—until we break down.

You can’t make everyone happy; you’re not pizza.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

They say laughter is the best medicine. That must explain why I’m always sick.

Somebody told me to follow my dreams, so I went back to bed.

Whoever said ‘a penny saved is a penny earned’ never had to pay for college.

If I was a writer, I’d write a book about collecting dust.

I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

They say ‘money talks,’ but all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

My idea of a balanced diet? A cookie in each hand.

Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes part 1

A doctor is a man who puts band-aids on the wrong places.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.

When I was a kid, I spoke like a kid, I thought like a kid, I reasoned like a kid. Now that I’m older, I’ve put away childish things—except for a few.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They had no holidays.

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, too.

I’ve got a wonderful insurance policy. I never have to pay a penny.

The secret of a good marriage remains a secret.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes part 2

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I asked the waiter for a decaffeinated coffee, and he said, ‘How about this?’

I finally got my dream job. I get to sit around and do nothing all day.

I have a friend who’s a banker—he’s my best buddy, but I don’t trust him.

I told my kids I could give them the best advice in the world—don’t take advice from me.

I’m on the patch now, it’s a thing that helps quit smoking; I’m using it for my gags instead.

To be happy, you must be willing to be a little bit crazy.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The best part about being a comedian? You don’t have to polish your shoes.

Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes part 3

I got a job in a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Why do people say ‘the sky’s the limit’? There are footprints on the moon!

You can’t be late if you never show up.

I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when rainbows were black and white.

The only place I can see clearly is my glass of wine.

Age is just a number, but in my case, it’s unlisted.

I can’t do my math homework tonight—my calculator is sick.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patience.

If you think nobody cares, just try missing a couple of payments.

You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes part 4

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t know how to act my age; I’ve never been this age before.

If you think about it, we’re all just biological machines—until we break down.

You can’t make everyone happy; you’re not pizza.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

They say laughter is the best medicine. That must explain why I’m always sick.

Somebody told me to follow my dreams, so I went back to bed.

Whoever said ‘a penny saved is a penny earned’ never had to pay for college.

If I was a writer, I’d write a book about collecting dust.

Timeless Wisdom – The Wit and Humor of Henry Youngman Quotes part 5

I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

They say ‘money talks,’ but all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

My idea of a balanced diet? A cookie in each hand.